


Zen Among the Monsters

by shakeirdre



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Demisexual Reader, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Gender-neutral Reader, Multi, Polyamory, Spoiler Alert - Freeform, relationships to be determined later, self-indulgent work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-02-19
Packaged: 2018-05-11 08:15:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5619889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shakeirdre/pseuds/shakeirdre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So I am doing this to help me get through the game without my heart hurting. Not that it will prevent the heart feelings but it will at least help me keep going. What happens in the work mainly depends on my actions in the game and how I decide to make it interesting. Give it a little spice you know?<br/>Maybe later, I will add in chapters with self indulgent shipping with the characters but for now that won't be the main focus.<br/>also fair warning, I like fancy words that one doesn't hear usually so I will try and make chapter titles of those words. I will provide definitions when i do.<br/>EDIT: Another warning, I like to go back and edit chapters here and there, fix things I might have missed, add things i didn't think of, etc. I apologize deeply and will attempt to do it as neatly as possible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rectify

**Author's Note:**

> Rectify: verb- correct a situation; make something right

_"I can't do this. I am not ready to leave this place. And I am not prepared to go through with this."_

_They had come so far on their determination and had always known it would come to this. This strong feeling kept them going, even when it brought about their death numerous times; each time was worth it when they finally learned the right pattern and succeeded in sparing another person, progressing through the underground. The ruins, Snowdin, Waterfall, Hotlands, the Core, and finally New Home._

_What they hadn't known was that they would grow to adore all of its inhabitants so much that it would cause them this much pain._

_When faced with the very last opponent- the king of the monsters- the determination that had driven the fallen human to this point so close to the end failed._

_The realization that, if they were to go through with killing the king so that they might return to the upper world from whence they came, they would be leaving the underground without hope when there was already so little. Each hopeful wish and statement of faith the monsters had given in regards to the king's plan, especially walking through the colorless corridors of New Home, hurt worse than any wound the human had received when making their way to this point._

_They could feel all of their hearts beating as one._

_The king had six human souls yet._

_Seven were needed, in addition with the soul of a powerful monster's soul, in order to break the barrier that had trapped monsterkind below the surface of Mount Ebott for countless centuries._ _One more and the king would release his subjects from their prison._

_The monsters would finally be free, but at a price. Six had already been murdered- mere children- because of the determination that gave all human souls strength that allowed them to persist even after death. If the seventh soul was gained, the power would be used to wage war on humanity, a species that had lost all knowledge of the existence of magic and monsters. It would be a rude awakening and casualties would be suffered from both sides._

_Standing in the throne room with the gentle king (who at the time had been watering a mass of yellow flowers that overtook the floor, leaving no trace of the tile beneath them) they felt nothing but guilt and sorrow. No remnants of the boundless determination surfaced; all of it was being entirely overshadowed by pain._

_Surrender was not an option._

_However the human couldn't fight, feeling weak and utterly hopeless._

_Small hands tremble as they reach for the reset, floating in the air space a foot in front of where they stood. The grey halls were too much for the human. This trial was the one that they could not- or would not- complete due to the anguish in their heart._

_With a muttered apology, garbled by the sobs that caused tremors throughout the human's small, child-sized frame, they squeezed their eyes shut and smashed the hand down onto the magical text. If luck was on their side, they would have no memory of this happening and hopefully they would be able to make the right choices the second time around. Though with no memory of this run, they were highly susceptible to the chance that the same mistake would be made and the human would find their self emotionally attached to the monsters of the underground once again. They could just as easily do the exact same thing and be faced with the same heart wrenching emotions that had caused them to go back to the very beginning once more._

* * *

 

 **A name has already been chosen.** _  
_

**Zen**

**No**

**Yes**

_"Yes."_

_I_ _t_ _wouldn't hurt to keep this one thing the same in this new timeline._

_With one last unspoken farewell to all the friendships that had been formed, determination swelled up deep inside your soul... and you took the plunge._

_Back to the very start._


	2. Perfunctory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Perfunctory: adj- automatic, unthinking

You woke up in a bed of flowers, the golden petals caressing your skin as they swayed to the memory of a gentle breeze. As far as you could tell you were deep within Mount Ebott, given that the light that was shining in your eyes was hundreds of feet above, coming through a gaping hole in the ceiling of this cavern that you had presumably fallen through just now. The memory of the event was uncertain, feeling as though it had been some time since it had happened because of how the details were so hazy. Honestly, with the height from which you had fallen from, the biggest concern on your mind was that bones had broken or organs ruptured when your body made impact with the ground. You couldn't recall anything more than the emotions that ripped through you as you ~~_jumped_~~ . ~~~~.. fell... into the opening that led to down here.  
Determination was the strongest since you remember that clearly above all else; yet understandably fear of the imminent landing had struck you seconds after the _~~leap~~_  fall. _'I didn't jump, I fell down that hole. Why is my brain messing up on this? '_  That thought stuck inside your mind briefly, before you dismissed it. It wasn't important.

There was no denying that it was strange that you couldn't even recall it- the landing that is-. It couldn't have been horrible like you had been expecting it to be if you had forgotten about it already. In fact, you felt relatively unharmed, save for the cut you had placed a bandage on the other day. How you had gotten the small injury, you couldn't get your poor, addled brain to remember the details.

Sitting up was a chore. After all, the bed of flowers felt so comfortable and brought forth a feeling of _zen_ settling over you. It was all lost the instant you rocked your body forward to roll onto your feet. The motion caused the room to spin around to the point that it made you dizzy and eventually lose your balance.

"Guess I stood up too fast" You mumbled unintelligibly, meaning the statement to be more for yourself... Especially since there was no one in sight. It was strange when a person talked to them self above ground so it most likely be the same way down here.

It never occurred to you that the presence of others in the underground was nothing close to common knowledge. Not even once did you think to question the subtle feeling of familiarity. It all seemed natural somehow.

Even the single golden flower that was greeting you made perfect sense, though his words didn't.

  
"don't you have anything better to do?" It asked you with a sharp tone. Fear caused your heart to speed up, racing inside your chest as he brought your soul out into the open. Little of this was making sense, despite how easily you were handling this. Why were you afraid of this innocent looking flower? Flowey? You weren't paying attention when it.. or was it a he.. _(you decided on he because it seemed a little rude.)_ told you his name, but it seemed to be available in your mind nevertheless.  
With his prompting, you let your soul be hit by the little white friendliness pellets... but they were not friendly in the slightest. Each one felt like a bullet ripping through you, until your hp was drained right down to the very last point.  
You had been right to fear him. Now it was too late and he was mocking you for your trust.  
"In this world it's kill or be killed" The cutthroat statement resonated through your soul as the desire to tear apart his fragile plant body made your chest burn.  
"Why would anyone pass up an opportunity like this?" You were seeing red. Perhaps that was because your body had been battered and scraped up in that one blow and now you were bleeding out? Or was it that more wrath had accumulated in these brief seconds than you had ever felt in your entire life? It was hard to tell and there was no time to dwell on the questions. Suddenly you were surrounded by a circle of the white bullets with the intent of ending your life then and there.

Something in your gut told you to leap into the pellets to defy him. He expected you to be afraid, but a small, barely audible voice inside your head told you that it was not possible for you to die yet. This fight was going to be intervened. So you trusted the feeling and the voice, refusing to even grimace at the threat as it approached.

Sure enough, he was sent flying by a crackling ball of fire. A large white goat.. woman. Yes, a woman. appeared before you, telling you her sympathies that such an awful creature would pick on an innocent youth. It was... _smothering. _ no, you appreciated her concern.

There was no doubt that this goat woman monster was someone who was kindhearted and would treat you with gentleness. She was someone to trust and befriend. Apparently her name was Toriel, as she had just introduced herself with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.  
Why didn't her smile reach her eyes?

~~_Wasn't she happy to see you?_~~

  
'Toriel is hiding something' the voice- the one to go with your own internal thoughts you assumed- warned, making a lump form in your chest. It felt as though the suspicion was turning your blood to ice with every pump of your beating heart. It was too soon to make hasty assumptions that would lead to brash choices, yet you still wouldn't disregard caution one hundred percent just yet.  
From that point on, you observed and weighed the tone and flow of her words, her mannerisms, her body language. It all seemed so... rehearsed to you. She had spoken this little speech of hers many times before you had arrived.  
The moment you resolved to ask her about it (tactfully of course) Toriel insisted that she lead you through the catacombs. With your mighty..stick.. well you would put up a fight if she attacked you suddenly.

A new room gave you a reprieve from your thoughts, giving you something more to observe. The violet walls looked as well maintained as one person could manage, you supposed. There were red leaves and dirt all over the place but it was all arranged into a square in the middle of the floor.  
'How strange...' You thought quietly _~~but truth be told, you were bored with it.~~_ It was nice. _~~I~~ ~~t's~~ ~~no~~ ~~thing~~ ~~new.~~_

The shadow of the ruins loomed above, filling you once again with determination. You felt a sense of finality wash over you, like something had happened and now there was no turning back. As soon as you moved towards the stairs, Toriel moved into the next room, where she waited to explain the ruin's puzzles to you.

In your mind, the little voice recited a riddle: ** _"Only the fearless may proceed. Brave ones, foolish ones. Both walk not the middle road"_**. Somehow you found your eyes darting to each stone piece of the puzzle in the order that was needed, seconds before the goat woman stepped upon them. There was a switch on the back wall, far right corner that, as soon as it was pulled after the stone puzzle was set, triggered the door to open. The smooth gray sign on the wall went unnoticed as the two of you moved on.

The next puzzle was clearly rigged. It almost made you let out a protest of indignation, however any sound dried up before it even left your throat when you realized that Toriel was watching you expectantly. So you decided to humor her. It wouldn't hurt anything, plus it would allow you to move on sooner if you did.  
You pulled the first two switches on the wall, marked up with chalk or paint? it could have been magic for all you knew. _(It was paint. Paint lasted longer.)_  
After crossing the second bridge, an impish thought drove you to pull the clearly wrong lever, making her disappointed.  
The look made you want to squirm, feeling its maternal disapproval pull a smile out of you, to let her know that you were only joking. The pride that lit up her face when you solved the puzzle made you warm and happy.

It was definitely a feeling you wanted to get out of her more; though even still those dark thoughts of suspicion were churning in the back of your mind.


	3. Volition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Volition-noun; free will

In the next room, Toriel put you up against a dummy that stared blankly into oblivion. She insisted that as a human living in the underground, there would be monsters who would try to fight you. It was up to you to decide what the proper response to the situation would be. You could fight them, talk to them, or even spare them... Part of you wanted to be nice...  
There was also a part of you, pulsing as it grew into a bigger and bigger temptation, that wanted to _FIGHT_. It appalled and intrigued you equally, which made it difficult to decide your next course of action. It was hard to say how long you stood there, staring at the dummy while you mentally weighed the pros and cons of each option. It felt like days had passed- until a small cough brought you back to reality. You turned to face the seven foot woman. Your hands were sore from gripping the stick so tightly; yet it was too difficult to make yourself loosen up, as if your body was stubbornly trying to retaliate against you with a rigid posture.

  
"Do you need some ideas for conversation topics?" She asked in a patient tone, looking down at you. "Well, I often start with a simple 'how do you do...'. You can ask them about their favorite books... Jokes can be a useful way of 'breaking the ice'. Listen to this one-" You prepared yourself. ' _This is going to be terrible_.'

  
"-What did the skeleton tile his roof with?" _(shin-gles)_

  
"... SHIN-gles" Toriel said with delight, laughing aloud at her joke and looking to see if you would as well. When you showed no sign of amusement, she looked away, mumbling about how she found it amusing.  
You tried to at least smile to make her feel better.  _'_ _How ~~predictable~~ quaint she is. It doesn't seem like she has very many opportunities to get out.' _ After that thought, you decided it would be best to talk to the dummy and walked over to encounter it. First you checked its stats, feeling no harm could come of indulging this curiosity.  
**DUMMY- ATK 0 DEF 0**  
**A COTTON HEART AND A BUTTON EYE**  
**YOU ARE THE APPLE OF MY EYE**  
**. . . . .**  
the Dummy stood around absentmindedly. What better time to talk to it?  
"How do you do?" The sound of your own voice nearly startled you, having forgotten what it had sounded like after the silence you had been sporting for all this time. It felt as if you hadn't used your voice in over a week at least. Just as well, it didn't seem much for conversation, but Toriel seemed to be happy with you. That was what you wanted... Wasn't it? the thought was cast aside when you noticed that the fight was over and you had won. Nothing was gained except Toriel's approval. _It hardly seemed worth it_ , the nagging voice whispered in your intrusive thoughts. It couldn't be helped since Toriel left the room after giving you a quick word of praise- left you with only the dummy for company. Moments passed and you still didn't follow. Sudden urges were filling  you with violent thoughts and you felt weak to defend yourself against them. You almost went through with actually beating the cotton out of the immobile object- the dummy- with your stick...

But 'scurrying off' won over 'acting out' in the debate of which to do and you went to catch up.

"There is another puzzle in this room. I wonder if you can solve it." A challenge? Finally. You walked briskly in order to keep up with the woman as she lead you to the puzzle. You were brimming with excitement that bubbled up from unknown origins when suddenly a Froggit attacked you. ' _Another choice to be made_.' You geared yourself up to fight... Only to find you couldn't move; your body was stricken with hesitation and paralyzing itself to keep you from attacking the little monster. Luckily Toriel happened to notice the dilemma at hand and gave the Froggit a look that sent it fleeing in a heartbeat. The two of you continued on to a bridge of spikes. Still your apprehension from the fight lingered, clouding over the fact that you already knew the solution to the puzzle.

  
~~_You should have paid closer attention to her the first time..._~~  
Luckily she took your hand and walked you through the puzzle, so you had no need to worry. The spikes disappeared as you walked over them, proving there to be a definite safe path.  
"Puzzles seem a little too dangerous for now" Toriel told you, leading you off into another room. Then all of a sudden, she left you to walk to the end of the hallway on your own... Did she realize you could see her hiding behind the pillar? Probably not but you decided not to mention it. When you came to approach the pillar, Toriel came out from behind it and began apologizing for possibly worrying you. She had done it in order to test your sense of independence because she was leaving you so that she could attend some business elsewhere. She informed you that it would be safer to stay where you were at in the mean time.

 _Like hell you were going to stay put!_ However under her caring gaze, you put on your best angelic face. Told her that, yes, you would be good. Took the cellphone she gifted you to keep contact. Once she was gone, you ran off and followed the direction of the path towards the unknown.

  
_There was an adventure laid out before you and determination in your soul to over come it._


	4. Discursive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> discursive - proceeding coherently from topic to topic, moving aimlessly from topic to topic  
> ((Discursive is a contronym. contronyms (also spelled contranyms, or referred to as autoantonyms) — terms that, depending on context, can have opposite or contradictory meanings.))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it has been a while since I have updated!!! I have just been going through so much in the past month.
> 
> I have discovered my 'right' name!!! Funnily, it is the name Zen that spoke to me and it finally hit home this past week that this is MY name. You know what I mean? Anyway, I now go by Zen Sol Krikas. You can either call me Zen or Sol from now on.

You looked around. Not much was different about this room, compared to the ones you had previously passed through. However, it spoke volumes to you, promising more space to explore and more secrets to uncover. In fact, the first thing you did was talk to a friendly looking Froggit that was standing off to the side of the path, next to a tendril of Ivy clinging onto the wall.

"Ribbit, ribbit (Excuse me, human.)"...  
You had absolutely no clue how in the world you managed to translate that. The froggit was doing nothing more than croaking, sounding like a regular amphibian, yet you could understand its intended message.  
"(I have some advice for you about battling monsters.)" It was this that caught your full attention, making you peer down at the monster intently.  
"(If you _ACT_ a certain way or _FIGHT_ until you almost defeat them, they might not want to battle you anymore. If a monster does not want to fight you, please... Use some _MERCY,_ human.) Ribbit."

 _How ~~droll~~  informative.  ~~That was nothing interesting~~. _  
You quietly thanked Froggit for its advice before you made your way into a room off to the northern side of the room. You found it none too surprising when you came across a bowl full of monster candy, which you greedily took from until the pedestal it was on tipped over.  
_How disgusting..._  
_You feel like the scum of the earth..._  
_Look at what you've done..._  
But you had candy so you could really care less.

 

You left the small, closet sized room and continued down the path that was so conveniently laid out for you to lead you through the ruins.

It unnerved you how there were so many piles of leaves laying around. While the temptation to kick them all up into the air and dance through the flurry of fallen foliage, it struck you as too... peculiar... to really act on it.

The piles were all simply too methodical and rectangular that it would be a shame to mess up someone's hard work.

  
As you moved away from one of the leafy piles, the strange sensation in your chest demanded your attention. Your blood red soul was pulled out from deep inside your fleshy body once again to be faced with a whimpering moth-like creature named Whimsun

It was ~~_pathetic_~~ kind of cute!  
  
The poor creature was so meek that you couldn't find any reason to want to hurt it. Any justified reason at least. You had probably startled it more than it had startled you; you were positive that you could simply walk away from this without actually doing anything. So you did.

After all, you had places to be and the ruins to explore- you didn't want to waste too much time _on a creature too meek to fight_! _ ~~that would be so boring!~~_

The puzzles were fairly easy to solve. Though more than you would have liked seemed to involve falling down holes in order to solve them. It was lucky that you didn't get hurt doing so! _ ~~Or else you would have been in a very, very cross mood.~~_

It was probably Toriel that left the leaf piles as padding wherever you had to jump down a hole. It was a truly kind gesture among all of these _~~frustrations~~_ \- no not frustrations, they were simply trials you had to overcome!!

  
Every time she called you, it made you smile due to her thoughtful attitude. Asking what kind of flavor you most preferred (however mysterious that was) was one of those things that made you feel some forming attachment towards the maternal goat creature.

~~_How did she know that you preferred butterscotch?_ ~~

  
"I often feel like I already know them." Toriel's voice dug deep into your mind as it absorbed what she was saying. "truthfully, when I first saw you, I felt... like i was seeing an old friend for the first time." An icy realization of deja vu clawed at your mind. "strange, is it not?" Click...  
Your heart thudded slowly in your chest as your hands grew clammy around the cell phone.  
It was more than strange... _you had felt the same way_.

_Strange..._

When Toriel called you again- not even a minute after the first call ended- you barely responded with a hum in agreement, if only to make the call end faster. You still had a lot more ground to cover before Toriel became worried about you or realized that you had not stayed put like she had told you to.

You walked over a puzzle, avoiding the holey spots of the floor with ease as if you already knew where the solid, stable ground was. Because you... did in a way.

_Very strange._

  
While you wanted to reflect on this, your attention was claimed once more by yet another encounter with a monster. This one looked like a flipped over bowl of solidified jello and was named Moldsmal.  
This nagging deja vu was beginning to make your patience wear thin. Your head was filled to the brim trying to take in all of this new- _or was it old_ \- information and these creatures were not making it easier on you. If were to be perfectly frank, they were getting on your last nerve and disrupting your ability to keep calm.

With your hand clenched around your stick, you spared Moldsmal just so you could get on with your life.

The list of things you were able to figure out far too easily _\- as if you knew-_ was growing longer the more you progressed into the ruins.

How you knew the bottom rock would be enough to trigger the spikes to fall, allowing you to pass.  
How you knew it would give you a hard time and move off the sensor plate once you started walking towards the next room.

It was all starting to seem less and less like a coincidence. But there had to be some logical reason!!! It wasn't like you had fallen down here before, you would have remembered something like that, and if that had happened then Toriel would remember you too!  
right?

Even the ghost laying on the ground wasn't surprising to you. It was actually more silly than surprising.

"zzzzzzzzzz... (are they gone yet)zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...)" You almost couldn't contain your laughter as the ghost kept saying 'z' out loud, pretending to be asleep. Part of you wanted to let the silly ghost be, but you had to move on.

He seemed so gloomy so you attempted to cheer him up with all the kindness and encouragement you could possibly bring to the fight. It couldn't be helped that you were tired and confused, not to mention being in desperate need of a nap.  
You gave Napstablook a patient smile with that in mind.  
With the ghost's mood seeming to improve, you told him a little joke.  
In response you were met with an attack that.. wasn't anything like an attack. All there was was some floating text apologizing for not feeling up to attacking.  
At once, you felt the strong desire to protect this precious ethereal being and make Napstablook happy however you could manage. Your desire to befriend this ghost filled you with determination.

With your renewed determination, you decided to put aside all of your turmoil and get through the ruins as swiftly as possibly. You would befriend as many monsters as you could and only attack if you were in true danger.

'This is a very good plan.' You thought to yourself with a smile as you stumbled upon a faded ribbon in one of the puzzle rooms. It was making things easier on you for sure, not to let all of these frustrating details consume you.  
Dancing with cute little Migosp monsters and being fed by Vegetoids really helped you forget about your troubles.

When you found the toy knife, a wave of relief washed over you. Now you would have something better than a stick to protect yourself against the threat of danger.

Finally, you were with Toriel again and she was impressed by your strength. It certainly helped that you had the sneaking suspicion that your new mom had a surprise for you!!! (you had called her earlier if it was okay to call her that in the room where you had exchanged gold for a spider donut).

~~_You didn't even remember that just a while ago, you saw Toriel as a threat._ ~~

_ Seeing such a cute, tidy house in the ruins gave you determination. _


End file.
